Sure, every mom has regrets after giving birth and as they say, past is past and we need to move on. But before I do, I need to share with you some of my mistakes or regrets as I look back when my baby was still little, so you may learn a thing or two. Don’t get me wrong, I am no expert in motherhood and child-rearing—we do whatever works for our families. But for me, here are some of my regrets:
1. Not feeling attached with my baby
I can say I had an easy pregnancy. I took some pills to address a hemorrhage they found during my first trimester, but aside from that, I had a pretty chill pregnancy. No cravings—which I thank God for since there were a lot of restrictions due to pandemic and we had no freedom to go around looking for food I crave. Also, no morning sickness—so yes, I was blessed.
Due to Covid-19, no companion was allowed in the hospital’s labor room, so I was alone (alone with my thoughts) for almost 30 hours before my doctor decided that I should undergo C-Section. They were monitoring me and baby’s heartbeat from time to time and I was not feeling any major pain, but they can see major contractions through the monitor. I mean, who gives birth without experiencing pain? I guess my pain tolerance is way through the roof.
Anyway, these easiness during pregnancy and childbirth I think contributed to my feeling that I don’t really connect with my baby when I first saw her in the operating room and when I first held her when we started rooming in. My husband was excited and teary-eyed when my doctor showed him our baby through the glass and he probably took a hundred photos, but it wasn’t the same for me.
The pandemic surely is another factor why I probably felt this way. Imagine bringing life into the world with no assurance if our lives will ever get back to normal. So yes, if I can go back in time, I would bask in the love I feel for the little human growing inside me rather than think of anything else.
2. Not swaddling my baby
As a first-time mom, hospital nurses were helpful after I gave birth—they were the ones bathing and swaddling my baby. However, they did not really teach us how to swaddle properly. Aside from the fact that my baby is fragile since she has hep-lock for her antibiotics, we really did not take effort to learn how since she sleeps soundly either way.
We had those wrap swaddles with velcro but she would find a way to release her hands from that contraption and raise them. We would think it was cute but little did we know that we should be putting more efforts in swaddling. Not only is her sleep cut short, but I think it triggered reflux as well? Moms, educate me on this. Swaddling would have helped her sleep independently for longer hours before wanting to latch for a feed.
3. Contact sleeping
Yes, you read it right. One of my regrets is letting her get used to contact napping and contact sleeping. We had a crib for her when we got home from the hospital. But as an exclusively breastfed baby, it’s not working for us. I had to get up in the middle of the night to let her latch if she’s fussy and this sleep-deprived mom could not take it. So yes, we co-sleep, and yes, until today.
I guess this regret stems from my previously-mentioned regret – swaddling. If I had only continued swaddling her and letting her get used to it, she would be able to sleep on her own for longer time and would not ask for a feed all the time which means she will get a “full meal” when she eventually latches after getting enough sleep.
As a first-time mom, a lot of things go on and on in your brain: Did I feed her enough? Why is she crying again? Is she getting enough milk from me? Is she breathing? All these fears disappear when you hold your baby. And I guess she just feels safe with me that I embraced this way of bonding—even if it means holding my pee so I don’t wake her up.
But this mom also can’t help but think of what ifs: what if I just let her sleep on her own? I would have more time to feel like myself instead of feeling “her mom” and let all the pressure get to me all the time.
4. Not continuing giving bottles
As a mom with no help, I decided to pump when my baby was about four weeks old. I was in dire need of sleep and rest and exclusively breastfeeding her will not work. I mean I enjoy feeding her, I am happy when I see her fed and full after latching, but this mom also needs her me time. As an introvert, I craved it ever since I was pregnant.
I would pump and freeze my milk so she can feed while I rest in the late afternoon. While this routine worked for about three weeks, one night she would just not take the bottle anymore, and would just cry just seeing the bottle and would just keep looking at our room, as if looking for me—at less than 8 weeks! Oh my baby!
So of course, my fragile heart can’t take it when my baby is in agony, so we ended that routine and I had to be a milk machine 24/7. All my milk stash was not used but I was blessed to have enough milk supply to exclusively breastfeed her. We tried giving bottles another go when she was about 10 months old, and it just did not work—she was gagging even though we tried different kinds of bottles. In hindsight, this was probably my biggest regret since pushing her to take the bottle would have meant I had more time for myself and my mental health—there would have been less breakdowns and sleepless nights if someone else aside from me would feed her from the bottle. Also, there would be less struggles for her weight gain if she would just accept the bottle since I can’t really gauge how much milk she’s getting from me from exclusively latching.
5. Neglecting my husband
This pregnancy was not planned. It was not an easy ride for my husband and I—being away from both our families during the start of the pandemic and not having enough support system near us. Both of us did not know what to do and we just kinda winged it as first-time parents.
When we knew I was pregnant, we knew we just had to get married. So we did, when I was five months pregnant. The ride was not easy. When the baby came, I dedicated all my time to her that I lost touch with my husband. When I told him I need help to care for my baby—I was met with a puzzled look and he was like telling me (without telling me) why I need one since I am still on maternity leave.
I felt like I was not doing enough for us to get through postpartum. I questioned all over again if motherhood is for me when I feel like I couldn’t take it. My husband would see me crying in the middle of the night because of all these emotions so that was probably why we ended up getting help. Communication is important for any couple. So couples out there who are struggling postpartum, talk to each other and make sure you don’t neglect each other and put focus on you baby alone. Your relationship with each other postpartum, will help you carry on and make things lighter.
6. Not looking for help before the baby is due
We all know that babies born on their due dates are rare, like 4%-of-the-time rare. So it’s difficult to determine when the baby will come. But my tip to you, first time moms, if you have the resources to look for extra help aside from you own mothers, do it! Our mothers will spoil the hell out of our children and love them unconditionally, but you can’t expect them to always be there to take care of your baby while you get your rest.
Look for help or a night nurse few weeks before your due to help you get ready for childbirth and be with your baby from Day 1. You would feel rested and more assured that someone capable is helping you.
It’s exhausting being a first-time mom. You have all these worries and thoughts in your head that result to no sleep or tears. So, get help! You are not a bad mom for getting help, you are only human. You can only do so much for your family. To all the moms out there who get by with no help—I salute you!
7. Not allotting time to make food for baby
Every mom has this dilemma when our babies are starting solid food. Should I start with purees, or just go and let her feed herself? When we were starting, we were still looking for help (to replace my previous one). I did not really think it through as long as my baby will be offered a solid food. So I ended up with squash puree—which she did not like. The next day I tried potato and it was okay.
I don’t know if I should’ve started solids a little earlier but I started it when she turned six months. She did not like spoon-feeding her so we tried doing it by hand—which works, by the way. But ultimately, what we needed was time to be able to explore recipes, and patience to let her learn how to feed herself. Self-feeding is not easy, you need consistency and patience to clean up after, which, as a working mom is a luxury in itself.
So I regret not allotting time for her meal plans. You know babies, one day they like potatoes, the next day they don’t. So if only I had the patience and time to explore with my baby, we wouldn’t be struggling with weight gain and mealtimes would be a happy experience!
There you go moms! I hope you learn something from my experience and don’t make the same mistakes as I did. Leave a comment if you can relate. You got this, Mama! x
Images from Canva