I like being alone most of the time. Before you say anything, yes, I eat out alone, and I watch movies alone. But there is no denying, having someone by your side whose presence is comforting and calm is surely a luxury. You are free to get your thoughts out to the world through someone who will not judge you, but understand you’re crazy and weird sometimes (well, most of the times). It is priceless to meet and keep someone who will compliment your crazy side and fill your heart with their quirks as well.
I had my fair share of puppy loves and heartbreaks. I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. At 14, you think you know everything about the world that every time your heart skips a beat when you see someone, you’d think it’s love. For some, probably. But for me, it was just the excitement, the thrill of someone holding your hand, and writing you letters. What I though was love only lasted five months and I can count on one hand the number of times we actually saw each other.
Fast forward to now, I am married with a kid, and have been with one man since 2012. Every time I think about the lost loves, the tears I’ve shed, I just smile and think to myself – well, life happened and I have found my forever. So, here’s my take on how I found love:
1. Don’t look for love
When I experienced my major heartbreak, I knew I would step back from the dating world and give my heart a rest. I was fresh from college during that time, so I started looking for jobs, and when I landed one, I did not think of looking for love. I would just go about my work and hang out with friends because I was in no rush to find a new man. I was young and still finding myself.
Even my mom would say, “Don’t date for a while yet, okay?” Some will probably question why my mom is meddling with my life. But you see, she has seen my worst pains and sleepless nights, so yes, her opinion matters on this one. But you know, you can’t control life’s circumstances and so in less than a year, I found love again in the most unexpected person. So yes, I say again as cliché as it may sound, don’t look for love but let love find its way to you.
Life blindsided me with a heartbreak, but it surely knows how help me out and gave me a man who will always be there for me, guarding my solitude.
2. Be complete on your own
To be honest, when I plunged into this love I found, I wasn’t feeling complete on my own. In hindsight, that is also probably the reason why I had boyfriends one after the other when I was younger. But this love I found held my hand in every decision I make, leading to me feeling better about myself – that I don’t actually need him to feel better about myself. It was a lot of self-work and I can say if you have a man who will stand by you, keep him.
If you are not feeling complete on your own, you still have a lot of work to do on your own and it depends, sometimes it makes the relationship grow, and other times, you have to let the love go. Working on yourself opens your eyes to a different perspective. You know what they say, happy people attract happy people.
3. Love yourself first
I remember when I was in college, I had roommates. We were all living in a flat and as teenagers we had those nights when we just drink and have fun. One of my roommates had a boyfriend that time and when we asked her how much she loves her boyfriend, she said, “Out of ten, five.” That shocked me. In my mind, I imagine she will say 8 or 9 because I see how clingy and loving they are to each other. But then she said, “The other five is for me.” And it hit me – that is what I am doing wrong! I never love myself first, I give it all to whoever I am with.
When I found this love with my husband, I told myself I will not think twice to leave him if he makes a mistake or if I see a red flag. His continuous effort to be perfect for me left me in awe. His consistency was spot-on. Needless to say, I never had a reason to leave him.
So, ladies and gents, find love within yourself before you seek it from others. For some, it is easy because they grew up in a loving environment, but for some who have traumas to carry and sometimes ending up blaming themselves for the past, it is an ordeal. So be kind to yourself and find joy in the ordinary. Hold on to yourself if you have no one to hold on to and remember we always have love to give no matter how difficult the circumstances are. So give love to yourself and know you are special.
4. Don’t rush things
Slow love is comforting and constant.
Finding someone who matches your crazy is priceless. So if you want to keep the relationship happy and consistent, don’t rush things. It is important that you and your partner are on the same page to avoid misunderstandings which might lead to the relationship ending prematurely. At the start of the relationship, try to keep things simple and make sure you communicate with each other so you will find the rhythm you need.
Rushing things can also take a toll on you. Years from now, you might look back and regret you did not enjoy the love slowly. Enjoy the love you feel, bask in it. Slow love is comforting and constant.
5. Stop waiting for someone
When I experienced my major heartbreak, I was still pining for my ex. You know how boys do – the occasional texts and social media comments – to keep you holding on to their bait. But thankfully, I was already back in our hometown so waiting for him to stop fooling around was not on my list. All this love I have for him, I can give to someone who is deserving.
What I’m saying is, no matter how you are tempted to call your ex, don’t (queue: Taylor Swift’s I Almost Do). There’s a reason you have broken up and to be honest, boys process longer than girls. Your breakup probably has not sunk in him yet, and eventually, it will, when you’ve already moved on. So, no point in holding on.
I also have this romantic dream of being with my childhood crush. But that crush has been crushed a long time ago when I accepted he’s too good for me and will never dream of being with me. So, go on with your life and while you are waiting for someone, someone is probably waiting for you as well. Who knows, they might be the love meant for you. Love hits differently to everyone. Everyone has the kind of love they have kept, or lost. Every kind of love has different lessons to teach us. This is only my take, but I hope you learned a thing or two from this.
Images from Canva